Use Strengths-Based Responses to Build Your Child’s Resiliency! 6 Tips for Talking to Toddlers and Teens: A Researched Post
The Invisible Essentials
According to a variety of renowned authors and researchers across time, with publications ranging from stories like The Little Prince to educational textbooks, it can be proposed that patience, empathy, curiosity, determination, creativity, kindness, and hope, are just a few examples of the greatest internal strengths that contribute to a person’s resiliency—an essential resource for adapting to and overcoming adversity (Cochran et al., 2010; De Saint Exupéry, 1945; Landreth, 2012; Walsh, 2016).
Research shows that today’s children will encounter some of the greatest global challenges in history, with a projected 9.7 billion people on the planet to manage by year 2050 (United Nations, 2019), a rapidly escalating climate crisis to tackle (Clayton et al., 2021), and increasing rates of addiction, mental illness, relationship problems, suicide, and violence (Claro et al., 2015; Czsieler et al., 2020; Ilgen & Kleinberg, 2011; SAMSHA, 2016).
Yes, it’s a lot to process and might even feel depressing or frustrating if we don’t allow ourselves the chance to reframe our thinking. Instead of automatically claiming defeat, we can mindfully apply radical acceptance (Linehan & Wilks, 2015; McKay et al., 2007) and know that based on history, challenges and change have always existed and will always ensue. We can help to set the next generation up for success by cultivating resilient children who are in fact capable, confident, and connected to themselves, others, and the planet.
Using child-centered, strengths-based responses and reflections can help to build a child’s resiliency and a positive self-concept (Landreth, 2012), rather than focusing on being perfect, pretty, or plentiful, which are arbitrary and never ever-lasting. Additionally, as parents, therapists, teachers, and caregivers of all kinds, we can practice mindfulness by not placing our subjective values onto a child and instead, use flexible language that encourages flexible thinking and adaptive problem-solving skills (Landreth, 2012; Mckay et al., 2007).
It is our internal belief structure that will either propel us into prosperity or hinder our sense of hope.
Learning is Loving
As we learn how to become better, more attuned caregivers to the children in our lives, practicing mindfulness (using compassion and nonjudgment in order to be present and aware) can certainly be a useful tool in our own self-care. Mindfulness is not just about learning how to accept yourself and others, but also, and perhaps more “critically,” it is about accepting yourself and others during the learning process—learning to love and loving to learn.
No person (practitioner or parent) is meant to be perfect. As you continue reading, please know that it’s okay not to worry. Rather than criticizing, condemning, or cutting ourselves down, we can allow ourselves to be curious, compassionate, communicative, and open to new perspectives and research. We can be as equally as nonjudgmental, patient, understanding, and kind with ourselves as we strive to be with others and the children we mentor.
This article is simply an invitation to view the relationships you have with the children in your life through a researched, strengths-based lens, with the potential for incorporating some new skills and phrases into those interactions.
While consistency might be key to harmony, we all know that improv is inevitable (and okay) in our daily lives.
What is Resiliency?
To start, our individualized humanly makeup is composed of varying factors derived from both nature (our biology) and nurture (our environment). Specifically, how we view ourselves in relation to the world around us begins in infancy (Walsh, 2016). Children are continually influenced by their surrounding environment and its reinforcements, both positive and negative. Therefore, the words an adult chooses to use and manner in which they are conveyed, while reflecting upon a child’s accomplishments, choices, and behaviors, can have a significant impact on a child’s life-long internal schema, belief structures, self-concept, and overall resilience.
Resiliency is partly influenced by an individual’s self-esteem and self-efficacy (Seymour & Erdman, 1996). Self-esteem can be described by how a person feels (happy, mad, sad, scared, etc.) about themselves, in regards to their traits, characteristics, innate abilities, skills, and so on (Landreth, 2012). Self-efficacy, on the other hand, revolves around an individual’s core belief as to whether or not they can manifest an idea, create, or do something. Together, self-esteem and self-efficacy contribute to resilience, and can play an important role in one’s overall self-concept and their willingness (or not) to tackle life’s challenges with vigor.
People with resiliency acknowledge struggle, pain, and hardship, coupled with an ability to move forward, through, and past a perceived “problem.” While children today are often described by society as being “resilient,” time, loss, and all sorts of accumulating life circumstances can subtly, yet effectively, chip away at our confidence and coping capacities. As adult caregivers to children and teens in the present, we can work to further nurture children’s resiliency by offering strengths-based responses in effort to best prepare them for resilient, meaningful, and fulfilling futures.
Resiliency is about developing an “I can” over an “I can’t” attitude—it’s about cultivating the inner strength needed to cope with change, overcome adversity, forge through fear, and beyond.
Examples of Strengths-Based Responses for Building Resiliency
Here are some examples of what you can say the next time a toddler or teen shows you that “perfect” drawing, a new Lego® build, an “A” on a math test, or even a partially cleaned bedroom. As you read through each column of responses, try to take note of any themes, words, or verbs that stand out between the two. Further below are 6 tips inspired from these examples for fostering children’s resiliency.
Responses to foster self-efficacy:
You started!
You try really hard at the things you do.
You chose different colors!
You took your time on that.
You’re figuring things out.
You tried it a new way!
Wow, you can invent things!
Wow, you made that!
Look how you balanced it!
You’re thinking about it.
You know what to do.
You’ve got an idea!
It wasn’t easy; you like challenges.
You didn’t want to do it and you’re doing it!
Responses to foster self-esteem:
You care about what you do.
You’re determined.
You’re patient.
You’re so focused.
You’re organized.
You’re creative.
You have an imagination!
You’re thoughtful.
You’re generous.
You’re appreciative.
You’re so helpful.
You truly love Earth.
You’re curious.
You’re wise to be safe.
6 Tips for Talking with your Toddlers and Teens
1. The child’s effort, inner qualities, and capacities are highlighted.
Literally and conceptually, reflections on the child’s effort, inner qualities, and capacities are highlighted in both columns to demonstrate how diverse our responses can be when providing meaningful encouragement, outside of the typical “good job” or “thank you.”
In the first column labeled “responses to foster self-esteem,” the adult is describing and reinforcing positive attributes the child has actively and independently expressed. Recognizing and verbally acknowledging the innate strengths held by children, outside of adult expectations, can help to deepen a child’s sense of self and give them the armor they need to stay authentic and true to themselves, regardless of any unhelpful external messaging they might receive at school, home, or elsewhere.
In the second column, “responses to foster self-efficacy,” the child’s effort, courage, and autonomy are continually reinforced and celebrated with strong, empowering action words such as “try,” “chose,” “balanced,” and “invented.” Furthermore, a variety of words in this grouping emphasize growth, progress, and acceptance, all in effort to support adaptability, confidence, and resilience.
One parent, of a 2006 qualitative study on filial therapy (a relationship-based, parent-child model in which the parent is trained and supervised by a play therapist to engage in child-centered play therapy sessions with their own child to enhance attunement and trust), commented the following while discussing verbal reinforcement:
“My goal is to use it [reflecting/empathic responding] in a meaningful way so that when a surprise situation comes, it wouldn’t feel like a failure just because mom didn’t say it: ‘Good job, great job’. You know we push for good academic score and everybody wants the child to get a trophy. Trophy is important but if my child doesn’t get it, I want him to be able to manage it and still feel confident. It is important to know when to use encouragement and when to use praise” (Foley et al., 2006).
Courageously, this person was able to share about parenting goals in a group setting with other study participants. Discerning when to encourage and when to praise is no easy feat, and they speak to the difficulty in developing new, intentional language habits. It is worth hypothetically noting here, the potential for a parallel process to occur between parent and child.
For example, in order for the son to have compassion for himself when he doesn’t get a trophy, the mother must first learn new ways of providing positive, strengths-based reflections. Practicing deeper-meaning responses targeted to authentically serve the long-term well-being of her child, requires a profound shift in her overall perspective, the adoption of a truly child-centered lens, and the embodiment of the concept, with a genuine faith and belief in the approach itself.
Clearly, their processes are interconnected, and one cannot occur without the other. As a role model of skills, caregivers can continue to practice mindfulness by approaching their own learning processes with compassion, which, as mentioned earlier, can and will, impact a child’s developing resilience.
Believing in a child is believing in the process.
2. It’s about “you,” not you.
The subject of each example is the child, rather than the approval of the adult (aka “external validation”). When “I” is introduced by an adult, the focus is often redirected from the child and instead placed on the adult and their expectations/experiences (Cochran et al., 2010). While “I” statements made by adults can indeed be useful during limit-setting and genuine self-expressions, using strengths-based “you” statements with children in a positive context can further help to instill a healthy self-concept and resilient attitude.
Given the direct, assertive, and impactful nature of “you” statements, it is crucial to remember that they should be applied mindfully, carefully, and warmly, in positive contexts in order to convey empathy and support by the caregiver. When used in negative contexts, “you” statements put children—who are all vulnerable—at risk for psychological harm, ultimately hindering their emotional development, internal belief structure, and resiliency.
By empathically incorporating “you” into reflections with children, they are redirected back to their sense of self, rather than getting distracted by irrelevant expectations, worries about judgements, fears of rejection, and so on. “You” statements help the child feel seen, witnessed, and heard. “You” statements reinforce for the child what they’ve already expressed, without having to change, do more, or lessen anything.
A strengths-based “you” statement conveys unconditional positive regard for a child in who they are and what they are expressing.
3. The word “good” does not appear.
In the absence of judging achievements as “good” or “bad” or labeling accomplishments as “beautiful,” “done/finished,” or “great,” alternative reflections can actually encourage growth, flexibility, and change. Exploring the environment to realize their internal strengths (aka having resiliency) is essential for every child coping with the unpredictable ebb-and-flow of life (Moe, 2007).
Similarly to the parent of the filial therapy study mentioned earlier, another participant, who also happened to work as a school teacher, remarked the following:
“I think something that was hard for a lot of us was switching from praise to encouragement. And I think we’re all still working with it and trying to make it a part of our language. But it’s something I’ve tried to hold on to not only with my son but also in the classroom. It’s amazing how accustomed you get to it, and you have to really work, you know, to correct yourself. But that’s one for me” (Foley et al., 2006).
It's not to say that “good job” is never warranted or needed, rather, it might even be exactly what a child needs to hear in a particular moment for a particular reason. The point is to be mindful, intentional, and aware of the messaging behind the reflection. It’s about being present, and not missing the opportunity to nourish a child’s strengths.
Caregivers and mentors can support a child’s nervous system development, emotion regulation, and frustration tolerance by offering a well-balanced diet of positive, empowering, versatile, strengths-based beliefs and perspectives, that the child can later resource internally for themselves, in an array of situations, whether or not approval from others is granted.
4. Responses are gender neutral.
From a strengths-based, child-centered perspective, meaningful and mindful reflections avoid judgment and foster self-efficacy to support resiliency (Franklin, 2002; Landreth, 2012; Seymour & Erdman, 1996). Oftentimes, although well-intentioned, our feedback can actually reinforce unhealthy stereotypes, individual limitations, and gender-based biases.
In the examples below, notice how the focus in the superficial column is on aesthetics and the judger’s opinions/values, whereas the meaningful column focuses more on the accomplisher’s effort and innate talents (Cochran et al., 2010; Landreth, 2012).
Meaningful
You chose your own outfit.
You took your time to paint carefully.
You’re dedicated.
Wow, you’re a creator!
You are motivated.
You’re capable.
Tell me more about yourself.
Superficial
What a pretty dress.
I like your nails.
I love your long hair.
I like how you draw.
You’re so athletic.
You’re strong.
You look pretty/cute.
Again, meaningful statements serve the achiever (the doer / the one who tried) and strive to positively reinforce their effort, self-esteem, and self-efficacy, whereas superficial remarks tend to serve the underlying emotional or psychological needs of the evaluator (the observer / the one who judged).
When systems or individuals are conditioned to seek external validation, approval, and accolades, it does sometimes take extra effort, dedication, and greater self-awareness to shift our focus and break the habit, in order to engage in new, authentic expressions.
5. No questions. Period.
Did you notice? Who, what, when, where, why, and how are not asked. Contrary to popular belief, asking questions might not always convey compassion or improve connectivity/attunement. In fact, depending on the context, questions can sometimes lead to feelings of insecurity, judgement, and even disconnect (Moe, 2007).
For example, if a child were to show you an unidentified drawing, rather than asking “What is it?” a better response could be, “Wow! Tell me about what you created!” and they will tell you everything they want you to know, without feeling embarrassed or interrogated.
It is important to remember that your responses consist of far more than just verbiage. Tone of voice, cadence of speech, body language, and eye-contact all play a key role in determining the effectiveness of your delivery, hence, the child’s receptiveness to the underlying message. When using direct statements like “tell me more,” we are not demanding, probing, or even telling, rather, we are gently expressing our genuine curiosity with confidence for the child with a sincere belief in their innate capacities and wisdoms (Landreth, 2012).
Being curious is in the absence of knowing, therefore, conveying your authentic interest without being the expert as an adult is key to a child believing in themselves, today and in the future.
6. “But” does not exist and “and” does.
When we use the word “but,” oftentimes a hierarchy is subconsciously established whereby whatever preceded the “but” holds less importance or is less preferred than what follows the “but,” which we perceive as having greater value. Overtime, this way of thinking can create psychological barriers that prevent us from not just being successful, but more importantly, feeling successful in who we are as a person.
By using “and” in place of “but,” we can acknowledge that both parts of an experience are equally as valuable and appreciated as the other; that things are challenging and we are okay (Cochran et al., 2010). To highlight this point, POP QUIZ!
Considering the four statements below, which one doesn’t quite make sense?
A. “That test was really hard... but I passed!”
B. “That test was really hard... but I failed.”
C. “That test was really hard... and I passed!”
D. “That test was really hard... and I failed.”
If you guessed B, you are correct! The word “but” does not seem to fit in this particular context because it contradicts what we subconsciously perceive as being more valuable, which would be the result (either passing or failing) rather than the process (of taking the really hard test!) which is highly valuable in and of itself, regardless of the outcome.
Another strengths-based use of “and” in a conversation with a child might be, “You’re really sad and you’re talking about it.” Here, being sad is not diminished, dismissed, or devalued by inserting a “but,” rather, it is allowed space and held in the same esteem as “talking about it,” or whatever the solution to that sadness might be.
A bias for believing that result outweighs process is an automatic thought-pattern contrived and continually reinforced by societal expectations and language constructs.
Reflecting Ahead
So, if you want to build resiliency for a child in a world where product, productivity, and perfection arbitrarily appear to be everything (of which makes “failure” not only probable, but inevitable), apply a strengths-based approach by practicing some of the phrases mentioned above. Use your own creativity, wisdom, and caring nature to reflect back to the child the very best of what you witness in them, as they continue to evolve into whoever they choose to be. And remember....
“The essential is invisible to the eyes…”
—Antoine de Saint Exupéry, The Little Prince
References:
Claro, H. G., Ferreira de Oliveira, M. A., Bourdreaux, J. T., Fernandes, I. L., Pinho, P. H., & Tarifa, R. R. (2015). Drug use, mental health and problems related to crime and violence: Cross sectional study. Rev Lat Am Enfermagem, 23(6), 1173–1180. doi: https://doi.org/10.1590/0104-1169.0478.2663
Clayton, S., Manning, C. M., Speiser, M., & Hill, A. N. (2021). Mental health and our changing climate: Impacts, inequities, responses. American Psychological Association and ecoAmerica.
Cochran N. H., Nordling, W. J., & Cochran, J. L. (2010). The two core therapist skills: Tracking and empathic responding. Child-centered play therapy: A practical guide to developing therapeutic relationships with children (pp. 107-129). Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Czeisler M. E., et al. (2020). Mental health, substance use, and suicidal ideation during the covid-10 pandemic – United States, June 24-30, 2020. MMWR Mord Mortal Weekly, 69(32), 1049-1057. doi: https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/wr/mm6932a1.htm?s_cid=mm6932a1_w
De Saint Exupéry, A. (1943). The little prince. Orlando, FL: Harcourt, Inc.
Foley, Y. C., Higdon, L., & White, J. F. (2006). A qualitative study of filial therapy: Parents' voices. International Journal of Play Therapy, 15(1), 37–64. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/h0088907
Ilgen, M., & Kleinberg, F. (2011). The link between substance abuse, violence, and suicide. Psychiatric Times, 28(1).
Landreth, G. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. New York, NY: Taylor & Francis Group, LLC.
Linehan, M. M., & Wilks, C. R. (2015). The course and evolution of dialectical behavior therapy. The American Journal of Psychotherapy, 69(2), 97-110.
McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2007). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Moe, J. (2007). A paradigm shift: Strengths-based approach. Understanding addiction and recovery through a child’s eyes: Hope, help, and healing for the family. (pp. 15-18). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
Seymour, J. W., & Erdman, P. (1996). Family play therapy using a resiliency model. International Journal of Play Therapy, 5(1), 19–30. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0089353
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (2016). Substance use and suicide: A nexus requiring a public health approach. In brief.
Walsh, F. (2016). 3rd ed. Strengthening Family Resilience. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
More Resources:
Child-centered play therapy: https://cpt.unt.edu/child-centered-play-therapy
Mindfulness: https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
Resilience: https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
Strengths-based approach: https://www.iriss.org.uk/resources/insights/strengths-based-approaches-working-individuals
This blog post is not intended as counseling or clinical advice. If you need support, please reach out to a professional in your state or local area.